Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Q.O.T.W: Family members...helping or harming?

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I was wondering if any of your family members have ever crossed the line when it comes to your childs hair? I have read stories of family members cutting, relaxing, painfully combing (etc) a childs hair without the parents permission...

Has any of the above ever happened to you and how did you handle it?

As for us...

I am going to try to make this very long story short. When A was 2 years old her Aunt braided her hair and added beads. Well, my Grandmother (A's Great Grandma) thought she was helping me by removing the beads. She removed all of the beads on the right side of her head by cutting the end bead off each braid. I'm not sure how she didn't realize she was cutting her hair off but A's right side is a little shorter than her left side. I honestly wanted to cry. In fact, I may have. lol I knew she didn't understand the beading process so I just explained it all to her and left it at that. She felt pretty bad and (thankfully) it never happened again.

I have a couple of other stories but nothing compares to that. Your turn!

36 comments:

  1. Oh yes this has happened to me. Not just cutting but putting a relaxer in her hair. That's her paternal grandmother.

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  2. Ohhh I got one! Lol well last year my daughter was at her gma's for a week. For some odd reason they didn't want to put moisturizer in her hair nor come her hair all the way through. By Saturday her hair was a tangled dry mess. THEN they decided to try to detangle it DRY , resulting in me having to cut a big chunk out the middle of her head... and then they blamed me. Yea ok. now when she goes over its braided or twisted so it won't be messed with. Lol

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  3. Well. My daughter Bria was about 2 yrs old. She loved hanging out in my moms room and messing with the things on top of her dresser and watch tv. My mom really didnt have anything on her dresser that was dangerous (baby lotion, chapstick, things like that) and really didnt mind and most of the time my mom would be right there with her, or she would put her out and I would come get her. My mom bought a perm and was going to use it on her own head but I think she just used the shampoo out of it.

    So i noticed the open box of perm on her dresser (where my daughter could reach) and took it downstairs and sat it on top of the fridge. Because as you might know, some perms have a top on it like a pill bottle that you have to press and screw down (child proof), some dont. My mom bought one that didnt. So for some dumb reason my mom took the open box with the perm in it back upstairs and sat it on the dresser.

    My daughter got into the perm thinking it was hair moisturizer.I swear she got into in like a millisecond. I was just talking to her when she ran into my moms room.(im thinking she was watching cartoons, but she got really quiet) I ran in and noticed she had a huge glob on top of her head, some on both ears, and got some on her face and all on both hands. I panicked so freaking hard. Omigosh. I cried and grabbed her and threw her in the tub and washed it out as best as I could and called my sister to see what we had to do.

    I think I used a whole bottle of shampoo and conditioner on her hair. Thank God my mom hadnt added the activator to the perm because it would have burned her skin, possibly damaged her vision and made her hair fall out. Her hair is fine now (shes 5). It didnt straighten the texture at all THANK God (I dont plan on ever perming her hair).

    I really laid into my mom for leaving the perm where Bria could reach it knowing good and well Bria went to her room every morning and messed with the stuff on her dresser AND the fact that I had moved the perm downstairs. SIGH. She proceeded to fuss at Bria telling her to stay out of her room. (Which was dumb to me because I felt like she was careless to leave it out knowing a baby could get into it. She also leaves knives in the kitchen drawer knowing that my daughter can get her own fork/spoon and could possibly grab a knife. instead of leaving the knives in the drying rack sigh*)

    Whew! didnt plan on it being that long. Lulz.

    Nik

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  4. Oh wow.. that is horrible... touch wood i've had no horror stories like that.. probably only because i wont let anyone else near her hair..
    The only thing i get is other people family and friends trying to by my girls hair accessories that are totally impractical or non useable.. ie pony tail holders with the metail joinings even though i have made it clear i do not use those on her hair.. or the clip in hair pieces that they've purchased her.
    It was bad enough when i was in hospital having my baby when my husband did Amirahs hair for the 3 days.. when i returned home it was a dry ratty mess... NIGHTMARE.

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  5. when my daughter was 2, my mother always complained about how much moisture I was applying to her, but she needed it. You could style it and the surly within a few hours it seemed dry like you never touched her head. She took it upon herself to takeover that job and she was so half way about it...My daughters her began breaking because of this and never again will I listen to someone elses negative comments. My daughter hair has grown back since but you know I was so heart broke and thought her curlys would never come back. I know how her hair works and what it needs...moisture moisture moisture

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  6. No problems yet (knock on wood) :) My mom loves Simara's natural hair and has clearly stated that no perm will ever touch her hair. When she goes to see her dad, I make sure that her hair is braided up so his people don't do anything crazy...I think they would try and perm it when she gets older :(

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  7. A lil background. My mom is white, and had no idea what to do with my biracial 3c hair, so I always had a small fro until 7th grade when I decided to grow it out myself. Ok, I had to be deployed with the Army and left my 2 year old daughter in her custoday. I explained how to do her 4a hair, and left her everything she needed..combs, brush, moisturizer, leave in conditioner and everything. Tell me why a week later when I got a chance to call home, I heard that she took the clippers to her hair, and that it was 1 inch long. Because it was "to hard to handle." But my daughter is now 9 and would be bra strap length!

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  8. Nikki, your story made me cringe. Yikes!

    We live far away from any family, but I have absolutely no doubt they would follow instructions to the letter if they needed to responsible for hair care in my absence. I know they'd want to do a good job out of love, but there would also be a little fear of the wrath of mommy too.

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  9. oooohhhh Weeee, touching my children hair is the biggest Pet Peeve that absolutely drives me insane to the point of where I want to really hurt someone. I have a experience that has happen a few times to where my children's gma (there father's mother) comb there hair she use water and a TON of Blue Magic GREASE BLUE MAGIC and then I seriously think she wraps the rubberbands around there hair about 100+ times until it is as tight as it gets. Not to mention comb there hair out from the previous style with the smallest tooth comb she can find so that means she pulls out a lot of hair on top of pain. Each time when she has done this I had to cut the rubber bands out and there was always breakage from them. Also everyone in their household has dandruff so yeah I end up having to treat there hair for dandruff when they get home, UGH okay I feel better sharing that with ya'll LOL

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  10. My sister in law thinks that she knows everything about everything. You know those kind of people. She is convinced that she knows better than me how my daughters' hair should be taken care of. When my daughter was 2 years old she told me that her hair was too dry and that she was going to do her hair for me. I thought she meant ponys or some braids. What she ended up doing was a "hard press" on my baby's hair. It was COATED in grease and looked horrible. Needless to say my daughter and son are no longer allowed at her house unsupervised.

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  11. OMG!! Luckily nothing has happened like this with us. My mom did Anisa's hair a few times before she passed and there weren't any problems. She was natural as well (always was) so she knew what to do. Other than my mom, no one else has ever done her hair. When she goes out of town with her dad to visit his family, her hair is always in braids so they don't have to do anything to it. I really don't think his mom would do anything to it anyway. She knows how serious I am about her hair!!

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  12. These stories make me think of a situation that happened to me. I don't speak to my inlaws much due to certain things that happened early in the relationship. Since my DD grandma was trying her best to make amends she would keep certain things from me. One day when I was taking out my daughers cornrows I noticed that 1 braid had a sharp cut. It looked like a piece of yaki hair. My daugter just turned two at the time and her cousin was 4. Her cousin cut her hair and once her grandma found out she rebraided it so I wouldn't notice but who doesn't notice a couple inches of hair shorter than the rest. No one took responsibility for it but it definitely made the tension between us greater.

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  14. Nikki, my story is similar to yours. I sent Nunu to my mom’s house and my daughter decided she wanted her hair taken out. My mom says she feels bad for Nunu because she had to keep her hair in braids for 9 years, so she took her hair out. Her hair had knockers @ the ends with rubber band holding them in (think beads). She decided that there was too much "gunk" in the ends of her hair so she cut all the ends off!!! It was about 2 inches! She didn’t even think to shampoo her hair! I cried, flipped out and cried some more.
    I have had serious trauma with my daughter's hair. She cut her hair into a "Christmas Mullet" 3 years ago, a week before Christmas. I could not even get a clip in her hair it was so short in the front (2cm). The second problem we've had was folliculitis, where the follicles get infected. It was very painful and grotesque and made a lot of her hair fall out.

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  15. My mother knows nothing of hair care and won't listen so I honestly don't trust her doing anything to my daughters hair. she wants badly to braid it but I will probably never let her that's why i'm learning.

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  16. Wow these stories make me to cringe really. Well mine is NOT as bad and I am sure to be careful. My baby's nanny plaits my baby's hair. She does a good job, but makes it tight. I think i am going to ask her to stop since I have learnt to braid myself. Its almost like she ENJOYS playing in my baba's hair. We are talking about 2 inches of hair. Only on top since the back is BALDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! I want a way to chat to her but dont know how. Please advice ladies.

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  17. No outright damage, but more a philosophical difference. My daughter used to spend a lot of time with my MIL. (not anymore but that's a whole other story) She would fix her hair and it would look cute, but she always used crappy products that I didn't want on her hair. I eventually was using Curly Qs and would send it to be used on her hair and my MIL was offended by it and wouldn't use it, although it was very obvious that my daughter's hair was healthier and looking better with it than with the junk she was using. She even told me I didn't need to be ordering stuff from the internet and spending a lot of money. Excuse me, don't care if it does cost a lot - I'll do what I want with my child so she can have healthy beautiful hair.

    Another thing is she was always making comments about combing/brushing her hair straighter and she would absolutely never style her hair down and out. It had to be controlled in ponytails/braids that she is pulled and brushed until she got her hair as straight as possible. Whenever I would comment that I prefer her hair curly, even her ponytails - she'd look at me like I have 2 heads. This stuff bothers me b/c it is very important for me to teach my daughter to love her curls and not buy into the hype about straight hair.

    I don't know if this is the experience of other mom's on here or not, especially being in a mixed family that sometimes the black family members don't feel that you - as the white or in my case, mixed person - are qualified to give advice on how to care for curly hair. I find I can't even say anything about preferring natural hair b/c then people look at me like "What do you know - you're mixed. You don't understand." Actually, I think I have a pretty good perspective and have found that it easier taking care of my kid's curly hair than my wavy hair. TBH, the folks who think they know better don't b/c they don't wear their hair natural so they don't really know how to care for it either, where I've been taking the time to learn. But that's a whole other issue for a whole other day.

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  18. Im an adult w/o kids, but when I was 12, my mom sent me to visit relative. They owned a salon. I came home with the Halle Berry bowl cut. My mom was HOT.

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  19. Thank GOD I have never had this issue!!!! When I send Naiya out of town or with someone I make sure her hair is braided or she is going with someone I trust doing her hair or she will not be going. i usually no in advance when she will be away for more than 2 -3 days and make sure it is braided.

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  20. Guess I've been lucky, my mother had a hard time accepting the shampoo once a week idea and daddy's side of the famiy just used products to heavy for my daughter's hair. Oh and one time someone in the family told me it was about time I put some "S Curl" in my daughter's hair the first time she had ever seen my daughter with her hair out... I had the pleasure of informing her that it was my daughter's natural hair!

    I've got a funny story from the other side of things though. My sister in law was the first to sit me down and let me know about how family can mess up your kids hair and to NEVER EVER let ANYONE touch her hair. I had never even thought of it being an issue.

    Well our daughter's are close in age and as they get older (2&3) they are spending the night with eachother more.

    One morning after my niece stayed the night she got jealous as I was styling my daughter's hair and decided she would like her hair done also and pulled everything out of her hair! Now my daughter has 3b/4a hair and it's very thin, I consider myself competent at styling it. My niece has 4b/4c very, very thick hair. We were on our way out to the play area and then to the movies so I was forced to style her hair, and boy was I nervous.

    Two things kept running through my mind 1) "NEVER EVER let ANYONE touch your child's hair" (spoken in my sister in laws voice) and 2) The product's I use on my daughter's hair are not going to be thick/moisturizing enough!

    I was so worried she would be upset with me, but I guess I did an ok job because now when my niece stays the night she packs her own hair accessories and products so I can style her hair in the morning.

    -Jessica

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  21. I haven't had anything happen to my daughter's hair yet because I don't let any one touch it. Also, she is not even 2 yet. My MIL and one SIL always make comments about my daughter's hair. I like her hair down and out. I love her curls. They always tell me I need to plait or braid her hair and that I need to learn how to fix her hair. I just tell them that I like her curls and her dad likes her curls.

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  22. Wow, i never had any horrible experiences yet. I do not plan on having any family members near my daughter s hair. Already her paternal grandmother is "trying" to put braids in her hair when I do not think her hair is strong enough. :-/

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  23. No one but me has touched my daughter's hair so far, thankfully. She's only 6 months old, but has so much hair that I already have to keep it braided or it gets those little fairy knots in it. My mother and grandmother have both made comments to me along the lines of "she's not gonna have any hair when she gets older because she has hair now." That's so ridiculous. I get sick of explaining to them that I KNOW how to care for my daughter's hair. Why wouldnt she have any?

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  24. Nothing major has been done becuase my mom (who knows what to do with hair) is the only one who watches my 2 year old daughter at this point. However, my mom did tell me that she blow dried my daughter's hair a couple of times. I told her that I don't want heat in it yet and that was that. She said she'd never do it again unless I said it was ok.

    I'd feel so angry and disrespected if someone relaxed my child's hair behind my back. I'm so strict about not straigtening her hair that I have a short list of people that I will not ever allow her to spend the night with because they've been known to put relaxers in kids hair behind the parent's backs.

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  25. oh nikki..nikki.nikki..nikki.. this has happened to me oh too many times!!! which is the reason why my older 2 boys have their hair cut from now on..(well at least until they get older and its up to them)its still and ongoing battle til this very day! especially between my father in law and myself. my boys had long hair until they were 2 and everyone kept saying," you need to cut it" i didnt want to and they kept making statements like oh dont leave him here watch what happens. well on several occassion both of them had to have their cut completely off!!! my little brother had gotten ahold of some clippers and shaved the middle of my eldest sons hair down the front!, my father in law gave my middle son gum and it got tangled in his(son instead of calling me)and he shaved his hair all off. both of them had hair to thier shoulders!!! i was so pissed!! my daughter(yes daughter!!) shaved the right side of her off b/c someone left the clippers out again.. oh my sister decided she wanted to flat iron my daughter's hair and it started to break off. another time my son had found scissors(at my parents place again) and cut his little brother's braid off!! and just recently my son(again) got ahold of his sister school scissors and cut his baby sisters' hair..8( so any thing and everything with an edge is locked away.. all the other times was when they were in someone elses care while i was at work! so NO!!! it's helping at all.. my youngest son i keep him away from them for the most part and make sure his hair is in tip top shape b/c if i dont i know SOMEHOW SOMEWAY ima pick him up oneday and his hair is going to be gone..then youll be seeing me all over the news..lol

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  26. I know one thing, my mother in law knows now not to touch her hair except to add some ponytail holders or barrettes. She used to put Dixie Peach in her hair (angry face AND yes they still make this crap), and her hair be shiny and feel like straw.. I had to tell her not to touch it in the nicest way possible...several times. She even would wash her hair a few days after I did w/o adding conditioner to it. I would literally be in tears because her hair would be a dry poufy matted mess, and I would have to start all over again.
    I told my mother what to use because she's loving how her hair has grown in the past year, and doesn't want to hinder her progress. They already know no chemical is to touch her hair, so let's just see how long that will last with the MIL (who gave me a serious side eye when I told her she was going to remain natural). My MIL still won't use the products I pack up in her overnight bag, but she also won't touch it....guess it's a win/win situation.

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  27. It's terrible just reading these stories. Nothing like this has ever happened to my baby, Thank God! I'm a little paranoid about anyone even asking to "do" her hair.

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  28. @blessing. i don't know if there is a nice way to say don't put the bands in so tight.

    when my youngest was an infant, the preschool girls decided they would plait her hair when i always left it loose and curly. i simply sent a note that no one was to mess with her hair. they apologized and never messed with it again. sometimes you have to be the heavy.

    as for family, i haven't had any trouble. i have put my oldest daughter's hair in box braids when i'm going to be away. mil doesn't know how to do hair but gets by with what she knows. if i eva came home to less hair or a drastic style, i would not hold my tongue.

    when i was a kid, my mom was anti-hot comb and anti-relaxer. she had my hair cornrowed sans extensions (they were way to expensive and not necessary) when i went to visit relatives. she also told me to speak up if anyone tried anything. never had any trouble.

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  29. @Divafied Mama or anyone else who knows - what is Dixie Peach?

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  30. *reading these comments in suspense!*

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  31. I really don have a big story, but my mother in law had Ray for the weekend and she said to pack her her hair stuff and dress for church. When I picked her up on monday, her hair was heavy and interesting looking..... She added A LOT of moisturized and the style was interesting. She apologized and said she tried to make it look pretty but she had no idea what she was doing. The truth is that Ray is the second girl in 18 years in my husbands side of the family. ALL BOYS until Ray. So there has been no experience. I love her and since then when she wanted to keep her for the weekend I would fix her hair the day she took her with her and it would last for the weekend.

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  32. I would like to know the answer to that as well

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  33. dixie peach = GREASE!

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  34. When I was 7 my cousin got married. I was a flower girl so the day before the wedding I stayed over at my aunt's house. The stylist that my aunt hired insisted on perming my hair to which I adamantly refused. My aunt heard the argument an threatened to call my mother who would be arriving the next day. I was a lippy child so I told her go ahead and call. Long story short I ended up getting a whoppin and my hair was forcibly permed. The wedding was on a Saturday and I remember my hair felt like silk though my mother was not happy when she saw it. On Sunday my hair wasn't feeling so great but it was passable. By Monday my APL hair was just below my ears at best. My mother was horrified and after I got told off she tried to fix it, but it was too late. My 3c hair was now a dry and brittle 4a and it's yet to change. I'm now in my late teens and have recently decided to go natural since relaxers seem to just eat away at my hair but I still haven't found a product that delivers lasting moisture for me. But I am determined and don't want to give up on my NHJ. And blogs like these are definitely helping me learn what is good and bad for my hair (though my mother still swears that petroleum and mineral oil based hair grease are the only good things for my hair).

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  35. I am so happy I am not the only one who deals with this. My 9 year old daughter spends weekends at her dad's, and it is an ongoing struggle re: her hair. He won't comb it through and moisturize it, preferring to pull it back in a tighttighttight ponytail. I send her over there with it braided, and she comes back with it all poufy and dry and pulled back with an elastic. He has taken the scissors to her head more than once, including - this was about a month ago - cutting off braids at the root! My husband finally had to talk to him. Let's hope.....

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  36. Wow. I'm so sorry for what has happened to the babies. I haven't had any problems. I just hate when people have to touch my boys hair and drag their hands all the way to the ends of their braids or ponytail or grabbing a handful of braids. To me it also seems as if their looking at their hair to see if it's real. My youngest had his hair in an afro when he was three years old and an old lady grabbed his hair and asked if it was real ...like please lady , you could have just asked..theres nothing to lie about. I had to talk to my oldest sons especially because he hates for people to grab his hair..he had a habit of snatching and yanking his head away and i was so scared he would do it one time and his hair would get ripped where the beads and rubberbands were placed. So now he just ask people to please not touch his hair in a nioce way.

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