Some of you may remember when I posted some pictures I took late last year of A with a "combed out braid out". Well, I never got around to sharing this story. After reading this post on HappyGirlHair I really wanted to share it with you all.
Several days after I posted the pictures my sister called. Now, my sister lives 1200 miles away. She rarely gets to see my children but she does call from time to time to check up on us and ask me to upload pictures to my pages for her to see. I told her I posted some new ones of A on the blog. I gave her our web address and waited for the page to load.
.....silence.....
Now, in my experience, silence is not a good thing. I know her internet connection could not have been that slow. So what was the problem?
....A's hair was the problem.
Me: Well? Do you see them?
Her: Uhhh.....yeah.
Me: Ummmm....okay. Well? (waiting for her to tell me how cute they are! lol)
Her: Umm...I don't know. Her hair...
Me: What about her hair?!? (starting to get upset)
Her: Well, I prefer the wet look...
Me: What do you mean you prefer the wet look?!?
Her: Well she looks cute, but I like the wet look on her.
She said and few more things, I then proceeded to give her a piece of my mind and hung up.
You haven't seen your niece in how long and the first thing you decide to comment on is her hair? Seriously?
I know I'm probably totally biased, but I love A's hair. No matter how it's styled...I love it. Now, I really had to learn to love it, and learn to care for it, but you can't tell me nothin' about her hair now! I know that, no matter what is done to it, it looks great! Frizz, no curl definition, braids, puff, in my eyes it will always look beautiful.
It really dissappointed me to hear those words come out of my sisters mouth. The wet look? I mean seriously? What's so great about the wet look? What's wrong with big hair? What's wrong with some frizz every now and then? I mean, it's not like her hair wasn't detangled. It's not like it wasn't moisturized. I know this is probably not a look that most people would go for, but we loved it. I know my sister probably shares the same opinion as the majority of people out there. We got a lot of double takes that day. I just wish she understood. I mean, even after explaining to her why I was upset about her comments, she still didn't get it.
No matter what product I use in A's hair, it will NOT look like it does when it is wet. It will not flow down her back like it does when it is wet. It will not have a looser curl once it dries like it does when it is wet. Once it dries, it will go OUT, it will frizz a bit, and it will shrink up to her shoulders. That's okay....with me. Why not with my sister?
Forget what she said though. While she is entitled to her own opinion and preference, she can keep all that to herself. I know A's hair looked great. I like A's hair just the way it is, and so does she. That's all that matters.
I'm really sorry that you had that experience Nikki. Unfortunately, you are not alone. I get comments like that from my daughter's aunt, from her dad... I've even gotten them from my boyfriend! Its like, they DON'T understand that you don't have to be pulling and tugging and slicking your child's hair down trying to hide who their hair really is!!! They don't understand that curl definition or non-frizzy styles are just a few ways that beautiful curly, kinky, nappy hair can be worn. I'm very glad that WE get it though, and that WE love it, and that WE have taught/are teaching our daughter's to love it too. Those comments will always hurt, especially coming from family and friends, but the truth is, its not even that there is a problem with our babies hair, but rather, a problem that some friends and family have within themselves. Like other things, they don't mind casting their own insecurities about hair onto others.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your sister will come to understand and to respect the 'fro =).
I get exactly the same thing when I take my little J out with her big hair. I have older Black women smoothing her hair with their hands as if they can magically pop it into a ponytail!
ReplyDeleteLast month, she wore it out to her cousin's birthday party and my mother in law said "So, she's just gonna wear her hair like Angela Davis today?" To which I replied "Her daddy loves her hair like this!" Luckily, my daughter's only two, so she doesn't understand. It's so unfortunate to me that non African American people are far more willing to embrace her hair than we are. Sad.
BTW, I love that poem!! It's perfect!!
My niece's grandfather (not my father), will tell my niece her hair is "nappy." Luckily I was sitting there and I told him that her hair is not "nappy" and this is how it grows out of her head and I was actually envious of how big her afro had gotten. My niece already feels like she needs to have her hair flowing down her back and the last thing that she needs is for a man, especially her grandfather to tell her something is wrong with her hair.
ReplyDeleteEducation is key with natural hair. I've found that once things get explained to those who misunderstand natural hair, they seem to brighten up. "The more you know."
Wow, thats a shame. Its not like A's hair so all damaged and it looks a mess or something. You take very good care of her hair and it shows. I get the same comments about my daughter's hair. My daughter is 7 and people as me why i dont i press her hair more often. Or people tell me It will be so long and silky if pressed it. People also say that they cant believe i havent relaxed her hair yet! Then if i gently press it its not straight enough. People always have something to say even family. Dont worry about girl, A's hair is gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteThis picture here & the one on your banner w/ her big hair are two of my favorite 'styles' that I've seen on this blog. I love big hair & I love curly hair...and her smiles are the biggest when her hair is out there, showing me that she loves her hair too (which shows you're doing a great job, mom!)
ReplyDeleteI have twins that are 2 & I've already had people mention or hint about them getting a relaxer or texturizer. I usually look at them like they're crazy b/c they're 2 & even if I was ok w/ chemicals, they're too young for that. My mom was one of the 1st to bring it up, which surprised me since she is natural (one that chooses to wear her hair straight though)
I pretty much have let everyone know that I am natural & my daughters are going to be too until they decide as ADULTS that they don't want to be. And hopefully with all the curl appreciation I'm putting in their heads everyday, it won't come to that.
I have experienced some of these types of looks and comments. What's crazy is that my white family absolutely loves when my daughter's hair is natural and my mom tells me all the time that she wishes I would leave it that way every day. But my black family has issues with her natural look and wants to "control" it and make it "as straight as possible" - definitely an issue within ourselves and our own self-image that we contend with. I know I struggle with my own feelings about my bigger hair. I'm learning to embrace it more for the sake of my daughter and my son.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had to hear that, especially from your loved one! I truely LOVE LOVE LOVE A's hair!!! Its a shame people will let some words enter their mouth and leave their lips without thinking how it might affect the other person their speaking to. Children should all love their natural hair and embrace it.
ReplyDeleteI heard comments more when my youngest sons hair was long. My mom (who is white) would tell me he looks like a little girl and that I should cut it all off. Some people in public would ask if he was a boy or girl even if he clearly had on a shirt with monster trucks on it with cargo jeans. I even had a shirt that said IM A BOY and I remember someone coming up and telling me how cute my son was, and turning around and asking if he was a boy or girl...and after I sarcastically answered her she said she was just curious cuz with all that hair ya never know. I was heated. I usually dont get any negative comments about my daughters hair except the occasional question "her hair is so cute, who does it??" which I get sensitive about. Yes my babys hair looks good and YES I did it myself. My mom never knew what to do with my hair and after her comments about cutting my sons hair off I told her she needed to keep her opinions to herself because my kids are just that, MY KIDS, and I want them to be proud of every inch of themselves!! When we go to my moms now she always comments on how pretty my daughters hair looks and I can already see my A's confidence when it comes to her hair. When im done she always wants to look in the mirror and when she see's her hair she always says "awww pretty mommy!!". So forget what your sis told ya cuz we all know that A's hair is always lookin TOP NOTCH and u and her both should be proud. Haters are always gonna think they can do it better...they fail to realize their way of doing something isnt always whats best! Ok this one got me on a rant lol and I need to stop...I know you are proud of baby girls hair and as long as A is confident about herself then thats all that matters!! :)
Living in Australia and a small country town to top it off.. my daughters natural hair seems to be something that literally stops people in their tracks to stare at her.. it breaks my heart the way some people look at her as if she is a side show freak. I adore her hair big and natural as does she.. i've purchased her many positive books about her hair - Happy To Be Nappy, Nappy Hair, I Love My Hair and so on.. but it's getting harder to reinforce how special she is when we can not go anywhere without being negative comments directed towards her beautiful hair.
ReplyDeleteThe worst part is when strangers come to touch her hair from no where she stomps her foot in a rage and gets so angry..And then i'm looked at "like are you going to control that child" basically it's a struggle every day.. we do not have any of her black family in this country - my dad loves her hair.. but my mum makes comments when she sees her - and like your sister the first thing she comments on is always the hair...
One day I was on the phone with my sister who lives in a all white neighborhood,well she started working at a walmart in a diverse area,and there is a black girl there that she's friends with. i guess she was trying to find something in common with her blk friend so she began to talk bout how she has a mixed niece and how she has nappy hair,i was pissed.9 times outta ten when i go out with the girls at least 10 people stop to comment on how pretty there hair is tho,whether we r in a white or black area,it's funnt tho when avi wears her twists around my white family they always call them braids
ReplyDeleteOn Easter I flat ironed my mixed nieces (ages 5 & 8) 4A hair for church and they got sooo many compliments. The BIG shocker was when my dad came to visit them and made a huge deal out of their straight hair. He kept saying how much he loved it and how it should be like that at all times. My mom and I were looking at each other like WTF. I was soooo surprised that he made THAT big of a deal about straight hair. I'm Black so this was their Black grandfather going coo coo over straight hair. I had to give him a mean side-eye for that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not surprised by the ugly comments that you heard from your sister. Family or not, when it comes to something that isn't ordinary or the norm that people see everyday, everyone seems to have an ignorant, bias opinion. That's all it is, Ignorance. I have noticed here and there, a difference of reaction with my dauhghter N. (6 yrs. old) when her hair is braided or in a similar style, people will say how nice her hair looks. Then when her hair is all down and nautral with a simple headband they say nothing or look with that akward stair (I'm sure you know what I mean). Personally I could care less about what others think, but I can't get past how rude and forward some people are, (including family). I have learned to ignore things alot, however there are those times when you must speak up to defend and protect your little ones from these ignorant people.
ReplyDeleteSorry Nikki but it's the way people think children's hair should look. I was told I should give my kids a perm, blow dry, press. Just give them something that will make their hair straight and show their length. It's always from other people..."you need to cut their hair, how are they suppose to know they are a boy ..when everyone mistakes them for a girl,they are boys and boys should wear a low hair cut." I stop letting things others say about my children's outer appearance along time ago. They do not feed them, clothe them or give them the neccessities they need in life. When my oldest and second son attended school for the first time, I was told I would have to cut their hair or they will not be able to attend this school...well I talked to the law department at the board and believe it, they did attend that school. The principal told me she would fight me til the end. She had the nerve to ask me where do braids stem from, I told her their cultural background, she told me I was wrong... They stem from jail.
ReplyDeleteYes! I get it all the time from my husband! He is always asking me why I style the girls hair a certain way! Both of our girls have different textures but just like my hair, I'm accepting their natural hair. I just wish others could learn to appreciate it as well. All i do is explain to ppl & my husband that there are ppl out there who would kill for curly, kinky hair. We have to show our children that no matter how their hair is, it is ALWAYS beautiful! If we don't provide the foundation for our kids in letting them know that they are beautiful regardless, then how can they learn to accept themselves?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like we all deal with this. Thank you all for sharing your stories. Hopefully one day we will not have to defend our children's hair.
ReplyDeleteI really like it when my girl has her hair out, we use headbands, bows, or flower clips. She likes it I like it, and we don't care what people say.
ReplyDelete" What are you gonna do with her hair?"
" Ohhh she looks sooo, 'natural' its cute.."
" She has big hair!"
And what my girl has learned to say is "THank YOu"
You know, you can't control anyone but yourself. If other folks have issues with something, it's on them. As long as you are comfortable with A's hair and texture and all of its other characteristics, I would not worry at all what others think even if those others are members of your family.
ReplyDeleteYou said and did the right thing...she looks beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any kiddos (yet), but I can understand WHY her words upset you. The "she looks cute, but..." type of comments ARE offensive. It's like saying to you that your daughter isn't perfect as is.
ReplyDeleteYou put time, effort, and work into making sure your cutie's hair is in tiptop shape to have someone that you care about to make those types of comments. You had every right to be upset.
Unfortunately, not everyone will love your daughter's beautiful hair as you (and the rest of us) do. But that's okay. As long as "A" has a mommy like yourself who instills in her that she's beautiful, she need not worry about the naysayers or those who have something negative to say in general. It'll roll right off of her. :)
:( Why do people have to be so negative?? :(
ReplyDeleteYes, we have comments here, too. Mostly from my mom. I try to make sure Q's hair is as "nice" and curly and non-frizzy as possible whenever my mom is around because I hate the comments that happen if it's not "just so". Or the random side comments I overhear her telling others later! About how hard and unmanageable curly hair is. Grrrrrr. How 'bout how Beautiful?!?!How WORTH IT?! How people with straight hair (myself) can NEVER have what people with curls have. Nothing can compare or compete with natural curls.
I admire and respect all of you women and how you are empowering your children; as a bi-racial adult I still get unreal comments about my hair and comparing it to my sister's texture (which is finer and looser than mine)...etc! At almost forty, I had to let my family know: GET OVER IT THIS IS MY HAIR and I am learning EVERYDAY to love it!!!! It's hard when those adults around you have been brainwashed and condition for soooo many years!!! A's hair is gorgeous ALWAYS!!!! Keep doing what you do...I wish all of our young girls had role models like you all!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love that look on A and I often let my girls where the same look and of course I always get "girl you need to comb those kids nappy hair" Seriously their hair is big and beautiful. My niece looks at my girls hair and she is 14 and she says she wish her mama would have never put a perm on her hair. I think mothers should wait until the child can say if they want a perm or not instead of doing it at a young age
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry she reacted that way!!! I have yet to have a family member say anything negative but I often wonder what they are saying in private! We experience this crap a lot because I LOVEEEEE Aaliyah's hair natural, curly, and out as can be!! It often gets matted down because of her car seat and then she has a short part in the middle of the back of her head so it looks like a giant cliff and like I don't do anything with her hair but it is always detangled and always moisturized. I personally love A's hair out like that. Simply beautiful, In my opinion out is the most beautiful style.
ReplyDeleteYes..strangely enough non Black people love when I let my childs here in puffs or free. My husband's fam on the other hands gives me instructions on how to train it and or grow it longer...
ReplyDeleteI'm white and my daughters dads family is black. I do her hair on a daily basis and occasionally let her go with it out. I moisturize it an let it go. His family doesn't like it and calls her 'nappy headed'. I think it looks great! Keep up the good work, I LOVE your blog. its helped me A LOT! =)
ReplyDeleteWow, I had no idea people were so negative. I am not mixed, I am black, but I have mixed people in my family and they all say how much they love my hair--whether it is thick and natural, frizzy, straightened or braided. The most common comment I get is "wow your hair is so thick, I want to steal it" My dad, NOT my mom, was the first person who took me to get braids when I was about 12. He has always been the main supporter of my natural hair, and I'm very grateful that I have the view that thick hair is beautiful now because of him. One single person's encouragement can really make a huge difference in a child's life. So all of you on here...keep encouraging and supporting your kids daily! Nothing else will matter if you do.
ReplyDeleteI Totally Agree With You, I Don't Understand Why People Have Such Problems With Frizz, I Have Naturally Short Edges And I'm Forever Growing A New Layer Of Hair. I Will Always Have Little Curls Popping Up That Creates An Illusion Of Frizz. It Use To Annoy Me Back In High School And Sometimes Now When I Wear My Hair In A Bun W/O A Hat That I Had To Put A Little Product On It And Tie It Down For A Minute To Set It But That's Life. There Is Nothing Wrong With A Little Frizz You're Totally Right Her Hair Looks Gorgeous Either Way!
ReplyDeleteMy MIL made the same comment. She asked me to make sure I make his hair look curly (wet look) when I bring him over to her house. That made me so furious!
ReplyDeleteI never had a problem, with people commenting negatively on my daughter's hair when it's all out, but my husband(he's half black and pacific islander) side of the family(they are pacific islander) are starting to make comments towards my daughter's hair when I use barrettes and pony tail holders. They have told me before, that they like her hair out and think the multiple ponytails look "GHETTO" I told them it was insulting to say that it looks "ghetto, just because little black girls usually wear baretts and ponytails" It kind of hurt my feelings, that they would think negatively towards my daughters hair, and associate ponytails and braids as "ghetto" They did get their feelings hurt though, and I think next time they will keep their negative comments about my daughter's hair to themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm haitian/italian...The haitian i am is mostly taino indian so my family looks more hispanic then "the haitians seen on tv" Every one in my family has long straight her because they perm it! My aunt when i was 7 told my mom to perm my hair and told her you don't want your daughter walking around with that "thick haitian hair with barettes and stuff' My mom listened and permed my beautiful hair similar to A's my hair broke off and in high school i decided to go natural..I hate how family's can ruin a child self esteem and not realize it, they think they are helping and dont want society to judge them but little do they know they are the ones who judge the most. Who would of thought my great grandmother used to try to make her naturally straight hair puffy would have children who dont appreciate who they naturally are.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks when hurtful comments come from family members...I'm 16 and I was doing my little sisters hair which is 4b and very similar to my own, complimenting it and commenting on how soft it is...And my dad had the nerve to say "I wish you had hair like Sharifa's. (another sister of mine, she's 3 and has that "good" 3a/b hair). A simple comment like that from her father totally deflated her mood and made her unhappy with herself. I wish societies standards didn't matter so much.
ReplyDeleteBut as a sibling I think I play a big part in her accepting herself. I remember when I went natural and she said to me, "Your hairs like mine again!". Even though I'm the only person in the family that seems to love our hair textures I hope she grows up to love her hair.
unfortunately I can't say that I've had negative response to any of the hairstyles I've done on my daughter, now 4 (Alisah) or A1 due to me having a son younger age 2 (Aaron)or(A2). I've not ventured to letting her wear her hair out completely but once I do I'm sure she'll love it. You are absolutely correct though, in how the hair will shrink after it dries, Alisah has hangtime on her ponies, but when when wet it does hang down her back but I don't care if it shrinks, she's all natural and I always have her hair looking beautiful. I dont believe in a whole bunch of gel either. I pretty much have a grease and water baby wtih some occassional "Just for me Milky and Honey no frizzy." But absolutely no texturizers, etc. I did have a friend suggest that to me but I politely stated, I love my daughters hair just the way it is and I don't plan to put any chemicals in it that would change her grade. Kinky Curly, Beatifully long, not Nappy and Free (':
ReplyDeleteIm completely new to your blog and found it on a hunt for hairstyles for my 4 yr old to select. Thank you thank you thank you! My daughter loves to wear her hair out and loose and she has a similar grade to A's. I was also concerned about the looks we would get when she goes out with her "wild" hair. I love it but am afraid she may get a bad reaction from another parent or child. I will continue to support her loose style and follow your tips and suggestion for moisturizing. Thank you again.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I didn't see this when you posted it. This post made me cry. I had a very similar experience with my father-in-law. When my A was about 18 months old, I sent him a picture of her that I thought was adorable. Her hair was mostly out, with two puffs in the front. When he responded to the pic, he said, " You need someone to teach you how to do her hair." I was devastated. People are going to have their hang-ups about what they think hair should look like. While things like that still bug me, I love my A's hair, and she does too!
ReplyDelete